Hello! I am going to try and express the many trains of thought that are coming in and out of my conscious this evening. It has been a while since I have written on this platform, My Blog, and part of me thinks that this has hurt me, and lead me to have no choice but to write tonight. It was an idea of mine that using Instagram again took away my desire to write here because I often find relief, of a sort, when posting directly after a thought comes to mind. The thought may not make itself apparent… Read more: A KNOCK AT MY DOOR

I’m here for a chat before bed, but the chat is always with myself. Unfortunetly I wouldn’t prefer anything else, but I could go for a man to make me feel protected. That’s what this is about. Men. Being taken care of. I’m glad I am alone, I think the steps and the program would want me here, although groups bring some sort of unity to the lonliness. I am not lonely. I am safe. I am safe with myself and I feel ever so capable. There’s no real problem but there is a damaged piece to the machine, and… Read more: They say to wait a year

2333 – 8/31, my big brother’s birthday, he who spent his morning fishing by his dolo, a choice I too chose on my birthday “Goodnight,” a term I have strictly used to bid farewell with the connotation of love and peace, the possibility that there may be no tomorrow. Additionally, time is constant but not necesarily for us. Nowadays, although I do not use this term outside of context I am used to, I hear it more often, and it is logical, in terms of a greeting. What connotations are behind your use? Something I have been interested in adding… Read more: NOTHING I CAN DO

Hello. I am here to talk to about the five stages of strength as they reflect the cycle of greif. I am not looking to identify exactly what it is I am looking for or have found strength in, but maybe it will make itself obvious. Denial. Here lies a set of emotions that can be found tucked away, without much behavior that is obvious to the individual themselves. Let’s scratch the lack of identification for my life specifically, and actually use it as an example. Today I had a practice with a soccer team that I will be joining,… Read more: 5 STAGES OF STRENGTH

Ah, here I am already going to start off far away from the topic of choice, but how inncocent of a title, right? I do see myself as innocent sometimes, but I am crouched in the middle of my desire to be seen this way. Anyway, I’m already without much energy to write, but is has been 10 days, and I have a lot on my mind. Most of what I come to bed with is for my eyes and mind only, but that is why this platform is a really good source of reflection; writing for the public forces… Read more: It has been 10 days since my last.. post

Good evening 🙂 It’s nearing midnight and I didn’t exactly have much desire to write tonight, but there is always something to write about. I made the decision while listening to Dear Mama by Tupac on my way home from my tour in Staten Island this evening, confidently driving in the HOV lane. I admire Tupac’s ability to portray himself far out of a “victim mindset,” a perspective I have worked on for years. He gives raw context, but quickly develops his story around a bigger picture rather than harping on the effects that this context has had on him.… Read more: NOTHING IS AS IT SEEMS

Similar to, or exactly like, something that is spherical, which holds the longest diameter through the center, the most sustainable path, longest lasting, with allowance for most fufillment of space and time, of our lives, is through the center – with balance. Visually, starting at the poles, we would find an arch, right? When graphing an arch, and analyzing the trend, the top of the arch could be where we find the peak or in basic prose, here lies where we should find the average of the population, science points here, find your way here. Now this trend could also… Read more: UTOPIA

How come we are back at the beginning? I actually do not know, I think you could tell me better than I, due to having an outside perspective. Let’s begin by saying I have a lazy bone. The most consistency in my life is that of relaxation, relaxation that looks like time invested in art, since a young age. Interestingly enough, this morning I debated yet again whether god gave me natural talent in art or physical activity, and I settled on physical activity. I think this is still true, but physical activity is generally structured with others and by… Read more: Back to the beginning

Here I am, at 1:41 in the morning, just getting in bed. There’s a long story about my concern of the high energy I have, but I know for sure that this evening I have been with such glee after a great day at work. Technically, I do not think it is hard to understand that those I am surrounded with, as an E.M.T. in NYC, including members (of all public or private instituitions), nurses, doctors, and patients, cause for a tremendous change in personable interaction. A good day at work, yes, can be a real heavy job (physically or… Read more: BE. E.M.S.

How well do you trust your intuition? How come we repeat so many things so many times? I was recently in a conversation about soccer with my step mother and and we discussed how training benefits you because it takes away from the time needed to think about our actions. This applies to all life events, right? That is why we show respect to our elders and those with more experience than we do, right? Yes. Do you think about why you do certain things? Frued calls this introspection, something I need to delete for the time being. I am… Read more: intuition

I have a lot to say today, and I am really looking to get it all written down. I’d say just about everything I am thinking of all revolves around one thing. I could say that it revolves around one person, which it does, but oddly enough, they say you can’t blame others for your problems when you get to a certain age. Honestly, I am not sure why this general conclusion is made, but the most appropriate thing I can think of is that when we blame others lets say, for our whole lives, it becomes an excuse for… Read more: St. Anthony Protect Us

43 minutes into my birthday, it feels like the night before Christmas. As a kid I can only imagine I was anticipating my presents, but as I grew, the excitment came from the change in routine. The fact that there was freedom, good food, laughing, movies you watch one day a year… etc. Although I will be alone tomorrow, maybe just the idea that there will be a time or two where I mention it is my birthday, naturally, makes it feel special. The fact that I will have an option to create an excuse for whatever I choose to… Read more: JULY 12th, 2026

I have written a few blog posts since my last upload, but they remain in the drafts. They say people generally fall into a plateau and it can be hard to get out of it. I think my plateau comes when I begin overthinking, it is a virus. I will be back and luckily it is not as if I do not have other areas of my life that have both found its way back to an exponential growth, and are not at its plateau yet. To try and get me to post this one, I figured I’d share a… Read more: JUly 9th, 2026

As of this moment, memory lane, in regards to the following scripture, was two hours ago. Most of the titles are references to what some may say is, “pop culture.” In the case, Slim Shady. I think I am buffering/making light of whats to come although there’s no bad blood on my side because I actually don’t even hold people (especially men) to such a standard there could be bad blood… it would take a lot + this is impersonal – not in reference to me. I am walking you through every thought and action taken with the addition of… Read more: Let me take you on a trip down memory lane

Between my brother and I, mom is, “mommy,” and dad is, “daddy.” My dad is, “father,” “pop” (following after my brother), or sometimes, “Clyde.” I actually don’t like to say, “mom,” but I will say “dad.” “Mom” sounds too removed, with lack of meaning. I call my mom, “momma,” or “ma.” I’d say that the difference between the use of the two generic terms, “mom” and “dad,” are that of the gender. A father, a male, is more of a figure while a mother, a female, is more an entity. I actually find this point is proven more as my… Read more: Fathers day

Are you hip to your internal dialogue? That that is impossible to explain to another? Where your sub conscious drags you to, with no ability to refrain. Sometimes the moments you wish you could properly express but will always end up as a peacful reminder of the one and only true relationship you have. That that moves at the speed of light, gone with a single blink. I know im corny but this is what it feels like to take a photo on a 35mm, with your eye narrowed into a 1×1 frame. Not only are you fighting to get… Read more: START SPREADING THE NEWS

Do you hold standards for yourself? I’m positive I don’t mean to hold standards for myself, meaning it is not a conscious decision, but I dance like everybody is watching, except in the shower – somewhere I don’t dance… because it is dangerous. I guess you can say that I am looking to prove myself worthy, strong, smart, capable, beautiful, etc. All the good words that I assume me and you alike want as definite descriptors. Is there anyway to get you to find this to be a strength rather than an insecure, anxious, almost delusional act? I’ll tell ya,… Read more: THE OWLS ARE NOT WHAT THEY SEEM

I feel quiet lopsided at the moment… literally this exact moment I am scribing and moments before. Why? I don’t know, I did not choose this feeling. Actually, I’m curious if we ever choose our feelings… because even if we try and become aware of a feeling and change it to a different one, you are technically feeling a different feeling than both the feelings you think you are presented with – the one making you want to change. Anyway, I don’t want to change my lopsidedness right now, I want to understand it. How? Well, moments before scribing, I… Read more: LOPSIDED

Not only are the titles getting hard, the control not to express my love and ask a million questions is getting hard too. I want to be invovled and with knowledge. I am interested and with a lot of space for just about everything in my mind and my heart. Anyway, I wanted to address the anticlimactic post I wrote yesterday. You have to forgive me, I have just recently found a brain that needs to shutdown at some point and, it tends to actually finds its way there. The stream of thoughts in my mind may hold as many… Read more: THESE TITLES ARE GETTING HARD

They say I am chaotic… I am. They say I am crazy… I am. I mean if I was able to be there at one point, it will never go away, it’s a disease, but the finest disease you could ever catch. Most all my insanity has been filed down to truly exist internally, which means whatever you see in my presentation, is not even a 10th of its reality. It was very hard to gain control over such an atrouscious gal, but I wouldn’t take anything back… besides not having Dania (dane – e – a) in my life,… Read more: XYNZ

Another title for this post could just be June 4th, 2026. At the time I created it, AAA sounded good, with the acronym breaking down to be, Anxiety, Adrenaline, and Ascultation. Who knows which comes first but boy was my adrenaline running today. I crave adrenaline but the good kind, for the most part. I also find that I need to be solo to fully utilize my intuition with this adrenaline. It is very important for me to be alone. My first and most defining experiences with adrenaline come from soccer, something I would be utterly lost without. Soccer is… Read more: ANXIETY, ADRENALINE, AND ASCULTATION – AAA

Have you ever heard someone say, they who will take their own life will not speak of such event? Sure, this is not always true, just like any other statistic in the world. How about someone say ignorance is bliss? Sure, some people do not always have the means to gain knowledge or even such to think to consider something different than what they are exposed to. These two ideas are immensily intertwined, as I see it. So if we are assuming that generally the statistic shows that they who will take their own life will not speak of such… Read more: DO YOU SEE WHAT I SEE?

Hi. This has to be quick because I have 4% on my computer and I am going to leave it in my room to charge while I progress on my sewing + Aaliyah journey. I met a man at Salty Dog this afternoon named Jim. I do not know Jim but he was able to elicit a great train of thought that I did not even know was within. Sure, I had mentioned how one calculates error in mathematics, but I did not see my thought process on it as one to explain my interest in mathematics in general. To… Read more: ERROR

First, the word “guard,” is wrong. The ‘a’ definitely comes before the ‘u.’ Anyway, this is a two parter, the second part being off topic compared to the first part, but a reflection that I think has the notion of a guardian angel. Today I took off work, which ended up settling in my brain (very easily, as usual…) as something I may deserve because I am working overtime on both my days off this week. The true reality is that I didn’t need to take off work because I love my job and can access most everything I want… Read more: ‘Guardian Angel’

I guess you could say that I will be questioning the validity of my thoughts more often. Not to add stress, although it does make me angry – an emotion I am only beginning to recognize through sobriety – but to really work towards peace. Being angry definitely arouses me, which I like, because it’s easy to focus arousal onto what I am working with – my unique (definitely not unique) desires and the blissful feeling of the possibilities I hold in my mind. Yes, yet another distraction, but I have been blessed with the ability to find intimacy in… Read more: Military Brat

Evening. I am going to be very honest here but I ask for your grace as I think so much that it takes time for my thoughts, although presumably heavy to you, to be concrete and worthy of any sort of action for me. That being said, who knows if the fact that I think so… obsessively and with such an open ended conclusion, is an action that does aide a reality of… sickness. Anyway, I tunneled vision before this last call, a call that interrupted my writing (which can mean a lot for like i said… i think a… Read more: Is There Logic to Reality?

I’m lying in bed in the studio apartment in Florida, it is 10:40 PM. Im pretty tired and these days, being tired is a success story. I think Aaliyah is definitely an angel. I wonder what the world would be like if she was still alive. I feel like the only other energy I have understood the same is Princess Diana. Both of these woman came into my consciousness after they had passed so I wonder what that means. I feel as if I am getting a piece of heaven listening to Aaliyah, which is the same feeling as learning… Read more: Aaliyah

I’m really going to try and stay on point here but it’s going to be hard. Today is a day for reflection and its catalyst is a man who one would not call a boy but I cannot see him as anything other than such. Now, some know me to call people, “kid,” and that is for a similar reason that this man is identified as such, but up until very recent, it was hard to actually identify the difference between myself and these “kids” – most of them being men. Now, I am only going to be saying “man”… Read more: It’s my own Problem

Basically, you cannot convince me that instagram is not centered around comparison between two individuals, groups of individuals, inanimate objects in the home, food choice, style, music, etc. I wish I had more energy right now to convey these thoughts that often linger when I use social media. You almost may not be able to convince me that those that are frequently using the app but not posting anything, are comparing themselves the most. It may not even present itself as a personal consideration, but it controls your views on many forms of reality whether you like it or not.… Read more: New Post – follow up

I’d like to begin telling of someone I grew up with, someone who I have found to have taught me a lot. Unfortunately, like a few other people’s last interaction with me, the last time communicating with this man was right after a major incident in my life, where absolutely everything you can think of changed for me, and I was not in the best place. That being said, out of respect, now I never existed nor will I ever show to exist. Interestingly enough, this man’s good friend is one I currently need to forget about (and I mean… Read more: Instagram – Op

35 year old male is accompanied by his family in a parking lot as he busts a wheely on his motorcycle and hits a guard rail. You’ve probably seen an individual, or multiple, fool around in such regard, what do you think? Ah, so dangerous, right? If you’re in anyway like me, you’d think that’s sick, I want to try. Then maybe another week you see a motorcyclist hit the gaps on a highway with no protection, messing with physics, and you think, wow, that’s an adrenaline rush with a thin line. Here I am, at 51, triaging my patient… Read more: Count Me Out

Setting the scene: 3PM on a Monday in May – a clean 70 degrees outside, sunny. I’ve just got home from a trip to Lennox Hill Radiology for an MRI of my left wrist, The Bowery Mission where I meal prepped for dinner, and Accurate Photo where I spent $50 (of course), developing two rolls of film, hard copies of one roll, and buying my next roll (of course). I meet my Aunt at the hair salon where my grandmother is getting a haircut. I thought I was doing better with my emotions towards my Aunt after an experience that… Read more: History Repeats Itself

It’s 12:44AM on May 2nd. I’d say the day was successful for probably reasons you also wouldn’t expect, for they may be what you call, “the little things.” I am so tired, so just like this morning, “time is of the essence.” I have class at 9:15 tomorrow, I leave the house around 8:30 and get up at 8, easy peasy. This is my third to last class! I have enjoyed it thoroughly. Back to the day. Before I forget forever, there is a doctor at NYU Lurtheran that stands out (not like some of the nurses stand out…). He… Read more: Who Knew Knows and Will Tell

IT WAS ME Well, I have succeeded with the display of my blog posts and had a great nights sleep. I almost think this is going better than I thought. Today is May 1st, which means another opportunity to get a hold of the life that I want to live. It has been going much better than most of my conscious, choice driven life. See my first college roommate gave me a pencil on one of our last days together that said, “Get your life together,” and I think that was the realization that some could see my chaos in… Read more: It was me

IS IT ME OR IS IT YOU? Here I am, at the beginning of my website building process, motivated as heck, being torn away little by little by WordPress’s backend system. As I write this, I see what I want to see, the background image I have chosen and this first blog post. If everything goes as planned, this will post to the page entitled, “Blog” and all will be well. Before writing this post and after I had imitated what a video had shown me on, the “Blog” page did not have what I intended to see. It wasn’t… Read more: Is it me or is it you?