Another title for this post could just be June 4th, 2026. At the time I created it, AAA sounded good, with the acronym breaking down to be, Anxiety, Adrenaline, and Ascultation. Who knows which comes first but boy was my adrenaline running today. I crave adrenaline but the good kind, for the most part. I also find that I need to be solo to fully utilize my intuition with this adrenaline. It is very important for me to be alone.

My first and most defining experiences with adrenaline come from soccer, something I would be utterly lost without. Soccer is a team sport, but it starts with yourself. The confidence I would like to say, an individual gains from sports, aides you in your whole life, and is different than lets say, social confidence. I mean, if you think about it, sports are kind of nuanced. Our society has stressed education through literary means and sports are an extra privilege. I don’t think we often discuss what we have learned about the past or present day after a sports event. There is a lot there, to me, do you want to know why? You learned something about yourself, therefore you learned somethiing about history and the present day. Some say we are vessels, and I may be too selfish to be on track with that just yet but I guess I naturally do see us this way. Learning about yourself, is learning about humans. I believe that absolutely every action and thought that runs through your subconscious and conscious, can run through another’s. This is very informative for moving through society because if you let your mind wander and follow the maze to all different types of conclusions, you can believe that others may do the same. You can only control yourself so you have no idea what conclusion another is going to run with, that is why we have morals, a right and a wrong.

Anyway, I find my confidence is very high, when I am in motion. When I begin to relax, I can crumble, but as time goes on, and I become denser, with good maintenance of moisture, and a bit sweeter, it gets harder to tear me down. You can not loose all possibility of destruction though, because that is unbalanced. Pure destruction isn’t possible though, right? Isaac told me that once. I am in such belief of this for I find it presents itself in my understanding of most things, naturally. So, my crumbling is good, but I do want to grow stronger in the transferring of its energy to positive mindsets. Today was a great example of both my success and my hardship with this process.

I worked an overtime event – Medal Ceremony – at City Hall, on the Mayor’s office steps, with the attendance of the mayor, commissioner of the FDNY, her cohort, their security, high ranked members of the FDNY, and those average members – the ones who risk their lives for other human beings, everyday, their families, and myself. I understand I am subordinate to all these individuals, and honestly, I like it this way. This way the attention is not on me and I won’t be found out as the scope. Today my adrenaline was amped being amongst all these individuals and therefore I ascultated (just to be on theme) every few seconds. My senses were very refined, which adrenaline can do to you, amazingly. This would not have been possible if someone I knew was standing beside me, it is just not possible. It’s interesting that I believe that so strongly because it makes me think that another is ripping me of my confidence. In reality, its that I actually feel obligated to give my attention, thoughts, and energy to someone sharing my space. They become a significant figure like the others, someone I need to account for. When you are on a mission, you should not be distracted by another’s mission though.

Do you understand what I mean by auscultation in this setting? I mean it actually shouldn’t be too hard to understand. I am listening, directing my attention, comparing and contrasting, working my way towards confidence to take action, after lets say… a diagnosis of something that needs assistance.

The anxiety, or the expulsion of the confidence within a matter of seconds tends to happen, like I said when I am back home, decompressing, but this time, it happened at the end of the event. My partner had told me I had a previous interaction with someone I mentioned I was looking for and I had no memory of it (it didn’t happen). From the first second those words were heard, I believed him and not my own experience of my day. I was frightened. How could I have been feeling so successful and it not be true? Am I falling back to 2021? I have so much anxiety around this question in general, this sent me off, confirmed all my anxious questionings. I tunneled visioned on going home and getting right into bed, sleeping and waking up somewhere else. I happened to wakeup to a text form the individual who I had supposedly spoken to, and he didn’t even know I was at the event. Now we were back on track. I got up and found myself on my way to Girritsen Beach Park, following a trail to the bay, laying my poster board on the sand and drawing for about two hours. God made himself clear. I got home around 8:20 and was reminded of the Knicks game, definitely worth traveling up the block, about 800 feet. It was a nice time but I also think I need to reflect a bit more on the adrenaline I get in a social setting, especially these days. This writing will be done on the typewriter though, an addition to, “A Book on being Bad and Why I Like it.”