I feel quiet lopsided at the moment… literally this exact moment I am scribing and moments before. Why? I don’t know, I did not choose this feeling. Actually, I’m curious if we ever choose our feelings… because even if we try and become aware of a feeling and change it to a different one, you are technically feeling a different feeling than both the feelings you think you are presented with – the one making you want to change. Anyway, I don’t want to change my lopsidedness right now, I want to understand it. How? Well, moments before scribing, I sent a message to my cousins, who I had spoken to a few days ago about my language towards their mother. It’s like a fish out of water expect the fish chooses to be out of water all the time. I mean, this is actually not the point. The point is the subject matter, the women who is intertwined with me inside and out, my momma. My momma makes me lopsided – I am extremely protective, confused, in awe, burdened, with love, crushed, enthralled, interested, squished, blind, overworked, and curious with my momma. I am confused. I am shifting. I am falling. I am heavy. I am ingenius. She is my fuel for absolutely everything in my life. Where does father come in? He locked arms with me and never let us stop. He hooked on and took us higher. He grew into a father and did his job. He provides me with clarity. He loved my momma. My momma loves him. My momma trusts her children’s lives in this mans hands more than her own. My momma needed my father. My momma needs my father. My momma is confused. My momma is strong. My parents created the only world and perspective I know. I find it ironic that I think this way. I find so many answers from life, life that doesn’t know my mommy and daddy but them kids give me the ability to search, learn, create, and love. They embody every definition that could ever be understood. They embody, as a unit – a unit that has many spiders, roaches, flies, and maggots around it – the roots of my brother and I’s life. My brother and I have our riches tattoed on our forehead. My brother and I are interested and loving. That’s enough. We had a lot of contrast to understand. A lot of colors were discovered on our own. I don’t even think we were ever color blind, probably because of our parents… or we were born ingenius. Toughest battles to the strongest soldiers. We are real life navy seals, if that means anything. It definitely means something to me. I believe I could be a seal. I am her. Anyway, it is pretty hard to form definitions for the world on your own, especially when those that are blinding you are those giving you the brain that yields gorgeous definitions. It is very crazy. I don’t know who I am but all I know is who I am. I don’t know the answers to absolutely anything, all I know is the answers to absolutely everything. Hopefully you get it, I know some will. I want to be here as much as I assume death everyday. This is no bad thing but it does make me obbsessed with understanding. Death is as close to me as this pillow is to my head. This is important to understand. I am scared but that is the contrast. Maybe I will tattoo contrast on my forehead, I think that’s the root of my riches. Yes, my pain has brought me to immense thinking of death, but my ability to think so deeply will keep me moving. I need more answers. Remember, I don’t know anything, all I know is everything. I really want to explain this but I am not going to. Hey, maybe I will try to get back on track. Where were we? My momma. I’m not sure. My cousins stopped answering me so now I am thinking about that. I am mainly thinking about how they are sharing our messages with their mom, even though she is not in the conversation and then their mom is going to threaten to kick me out of my house, for the 100000th time and then I am not going to know if she is going to take my stuff and put it on the street, like she says shes going to do, so I will go about my life and deal with it when the time comes. I have no more energy. I cannot witness stunted growth anymore. I cannot leave though. I need to go back to being blind then I guess. In reality, I need to go back to school, I need to suffocate myself with knowledge. Did you know nobody cares about you? My mommy and daddy care about me. They’re all I need. I just took my Velo out and I am lying with headphones on and no music. I like seeing my fingers move in the light of my computer, contrasted with the dark of the room. I think I do appreciate my headphones being noise cancelling because if not, my auditory sense would be up and at em and I am in the middle of nowhere (in my NYC terms). I am quite terrified of the unknown – the dark. At the same time, the two ideas I assimilate with the dark, are the ocean and the sky, those that are most vast, and I love them the most. I assume this is because they are not all consuming (to my physical self) like the dark – I feel seperation, my curiousity does not feel suffocated… hm. I did just read this and think about the fact that I spoke to my cousins and yes, I am a bit concerned. Only one of you, my dearest gal, knows what I have been going through, so to be concerned, may send me home to my… father, but not really, i’m the toughest guy in the world. Grab my sarcasm or don’t, I am just trying to encourage myself here, there is no more grandiosity… besides the fact that I actually think I have something to show for, I beat the game and I am sharper than ever. I don’t know anything, all I know is everything. I like how chaotic this is, it is very representative of my mind but I am done with talk on my mind, it’s getting old and it’s losing power. Shh. I will continue to share though. I took off my headphones because there’s actually a bit of pressure there, and it bothers me. I also did not want to waste the battery, and I love the sounds of the typing. I think I did well in first grade, in typing class, in the middle side room of the lower school library, with the big apple computers. I remember maybe the website was purple or with good color. Anyway, it is very relaxing. I am looking at these two men who take up my background of this site. I did not have as much time with these men in person as I feel I have had now. They are defined and with independence, something a lot of people lack. I lack it too, I am just like every single one of you which is wonderful for my subconscious but disgusting for my conscious. My conscious wants to be so far away from you, not because I am better than you, we are quite literally all the same, but because I will absorb you. I will put you inside my brain and i won’t be able to rid myself of you until you leave me. This is how childhood paned out, I don’t complain. I had to leave myself all the time, like wizards of waverly place, honeslty. I had to leave and crawl into someone else so I could get that release of whatever feeling I was not aware of. Do you know what person I lasted the longest inside of? Until 7th grade! A nasty gal. A mean gal. A non remorseful gal. It took time after 7th grade, but here I am, indestructable. 7th grade seems pretty young, but I was actually 10 feet tall at that point. I was huge, you’d never have known if I didn’t tell you. And now, I am small but strong, literally a monster. I love being a small monster because I am furocious but the big monsters can make me obedient when need be – this is very important to me. I have to give it all up, I crave it pretty bad. Do you see the contrast? I made up that word.

Take this for what it is, I am going to bed, don’t be concerned, if there’s an emergency, like your stomach hurts, call 911, I will aborb you.