First, the word “guard,” is wrong. The ‘a’ definitely comes before the ‘u.’

Anyway, this is a two parter, the second part being off topic compared to the first part, but a reflection that I think has the notion of a guardian angel.

Today I took off work, which ended up settling in my brain (very easily, as usual…) as something I may deserve because I am working overtime on both my days off this week. The true reality is that I didn’t need to take off work because I love my job and can access most everything I want to do on my free time at work, except good sleep. Recently I have been waking up very early, no matter the time I go to bed, so a prolonged rest is not a good reason for tardiness. I think I still remain with this childlike, spoiled nature of thinking that because I worked two doubles back to back, I can take off, even though I subconsciously fought to not settle on that particular excuse. This is way too much info on this topic, you are in for a long read.

Anyway, I woke up and booked it to Starr and Cypress Ave. to develop film because with my minimal research, they were the only place open on a holiday weekend and with the option for same day turn around (for an additional $10 a roll). Their development is $18 for the lowest quality and it is very important I point out the difference an 11 mile drive gets you in NYC. I usually go to Accurate Photoshop on 18th and 5th ave where a long standing family takes care of me for $13.50 as the price for lowest quality and no additional price for same day turn around. Obviously I had no patience to wait till Tuesday for this $30 difference. The photos were great, I have no complaints although I feel i’m getting close to this sounding like a review. I won’t be going again though, Accurate does an incredible job as well. You’re really in for a long read.

It was raining, which makes my impulsive driving a bit scarier, but my listening to Aaliyah very contextual. I turned down a block in the area, thinking I made the wrong turn as I was choosing my music, but luckily, I spotted a purple and a yellow rally car parked on the sidewalk, with the garage door open that read “Subaru” on the back wall. Fuck it, I pulled over, I am an interested gal. The owner of the purple car that had a 1000 HP engine and around $200,000 put into it, was in the trunk, fiddling. I am not sure how much to tell of him for I do not want to violate any privacy because I found him at his living quarters. He does have a public space for his work and community of cars, I wish I could explore more but I cannot access it without an Instagram. I shared this website of course. I asked some questions and he was pretty dope. With a hobby like his, I find I am quick to see the knowledge, history, experience, development, and character, etc. that is very dense within him, it is very intriguing. He politely told me to stop by anytime, what if I do? I did say i’ll take him up on that, we shall see. I don’t think you’re ready for how much more is to come.

I got home and the pile of dirty clothes in my corner bothered me immensely so I decided to take a quick trip to DII to buy a hamper, after I had to throw out my old one because my cat peed on it multiple times. It does not feel right to put clean clothes in a space that has reminiscence of cat pee.

I walked in and like any store, I have a strong desire to look at the whole entire store, from West to East and North to South. I ended up spending $100, although a quarter of it was on my 100% cotton sheets that I also intended to buy (I promise). Majority of the purchase was clothing to both wear (children’s tank tops) and to sew, so resourcefully using the hamper to hold these articles, I ran to my car to prevent dew on my clothing that I was not going to wash. I have watched a Mythbusters episode on how running in the rain actually covers pretty equal surface area on your body compared to walking. Once I got to my car, I thought I had dropped something, but not only did I not see anything as I stretched my eyes down the block, I recently have been a bit OCD, so I am checking myself all the time. Ironically, I did not check myself well, because I had dropped my wallet that contained about $60, my credit and debit card, my ID, my work ID, and all gift cards that have money on it. I had no idea.

About 3-4 hours later, I am awoken from a nap by the ringing of my telephone and it is actually Jennifer. I had retold this story as my father awakening me with a phone call but only because it’s a shorter and more attention grabbing story. I have not spoken to Jen in a little bit, although we have communicated via text about the situation we are in with each other. It was magical, as I think about it now, that she picked up her phone after a sit in a park and on the way to her errands, appreciating the holiday weekend, to call me. I am very grateful for her and her soul.

Anyway, father texted in the middle of the convo, “If no 911, call me now!” I did not rush off the phone but he followed up with sending a phone number and saying this person had my wallet. I was very confused, I did not check for my wallet since I paid at the counter – it is not like it is important to have or anything… I did in fact confirm the wallet was not in my possession and I contacted the individual, Erika (I am not sure how to spell her name, but an Erika I love dearly loves that she spells it with a ‘k,’ so I do too.) I had a strange feeling when on my way to meet this person, before knowing if even male or female, that there was strong possibility of connection. I was actually pretty distracted, so I did not even put much thought into how she found any number relating to me at all. She has her professional ways, and she found my father, that’s all that really matters to me. She could have stalked me for months prior, “thank you for my life.” She had stated that she was going to be at Bakers later in the evening, and I thought that was a good spot to meet, but for reasons unappetizing. I met her ASAP and she was standing in the rain, under an umbrella, with a black cable knit sweater on, that looked exactly like the one I stole from my Momma – the one she wore till it resembled its time. She was sweet and innocent, I figured she was younger than me (which I hope comes across properly, for I understand some girls use this line as an assertion of power). She was also very professional, reaching for the handshake and stating her departure in a timely manner. I had wanted to express my interest in meeting her in a public space, where she is enjoying herself, but I waited until a text felt right. It had settled in that she was my guardian angel.

Signing off for now, it is midnight and I must be at work at 0745. I will definitely get back to this very very long post.

Good morning. It is 0550 and i’m here, having dreamt of many from my past and an actual stalker finally contacting me with a frightening proposition.

I ended up texting Erika and she so kindly welcomed me to meet her. I met her at Kettle Black where she was with her friend… Olivia. They are definitely more practicing Catholics than I am, it was marvelous to hear. I have a deep wonder about the environment that I grew up in, surrounded by WASPs with their Protestantisms. It is almost painful to recognize the lack of belief, which I recently have been informed, has a definition that is, “without proof.” Science is so ever complex, how could their not be a belief of the unknown? Their friend Brittany came a bit later, they are all obviously smart and beautiful women.

I stated a few times, to a few people, that I did not deserve this act of kindness, which I do believe in some sense. To lose something, once again, with no inclination to make sure I have my important belongings, is a sign of my stunted growth. How could it be possible for someone to have taken away all the hardship and stress of the outcomes, without knowing who they are aiding. I mean it is ironic that I have never travelled without leaving something important, and just three days after a successful trip, I go without my wallet, but it is returned in incredible fashion.

There is part of me that does believe I deserve it. The new medication I am on, which has to be a major contributor to my high function, and two major, additional life changes that add to it too. Those being the eradication of Lithium and Risperidol in my system, and my sobriety. I can tell you with confidence, my life would either be a short one, or one of consistent problems if this did not happen to me. For this reason, maybe God wanted to congratulate me on my efforts, and he provided me with face to face contact with my Guardian Angel.

Went back to sleep, it is now 0930 and I am working 42A2.

This other part will throw you off guard.

Let’s start back a few months ago, I can’t tell you the exact time because I have horrible recollection of time, which is something I have no problem with – you will hear me say, “a few months ago,” or “a few weeks ago,” for just about anything.

Anyway, my kitten, legally named Small Fry, but goes by Mama, enlightened me on the idea of a healthy but heavily loving relationship, something I struggle with. Although I constantly tell her *in a voice that seems to only be able to come out when communicating with other creatures,* “oh, you lOve me?” “do you love me mama?” I surely know she loves me, and in human life, when I love someone as such, I have a hard time wanting my much needed time alone. I am pretty sure that I subconsciously think the love with fade even within a small period of time away from said person. This is really frustrating, especially in the recent years when I have been able to identify this natural, unstable thought process. I am not sure I can explain how overwhelming love can be for me. So, this kitten, has truly taught me it is possible – healthy love – without much dialogue, just consistent behavior patterns. Usually my most consistent behavior is that that is detrimental to all aspects of my life. I am learning… always. Check another post for insight on where I find this stems from.

This observation of kitten has some recent additions: some new take aways. She is angelic, delicate, patient, strong, curious, beautiful, and with love for physical touch. What does this sound like? A women. I mean she is a female animal, but in cat form. So, I find ease and pleasure in observing her and providing her the love that she does not tell me she “needs” all the time, but may desire. She finds herself nested in areas of my bed or on me, in my clothing. Obviously I rub my head against hers because I am a cat too. She seems to really appreciate it. It is intimate and honestly, I find, a strong form of communication. There are many sense locations on the head and that makes the head very powerful. Are you picking up what I am putting down? There’s another side that may allow for more transparency. I am a women, right? So naturally, I’d think that I have these qualities, which tells me that I want to be seen with these qualities by someone I love. Sure, I love to be vulnerable or in other words, submissive, but maybe you would never know that for I have a hard time not presenting as a tomboy, hard headed, Rottweiler. There is truth to this presentation, for my guard is not for superficial reasons and I am quick to let it down for it’s the beauty of life. That being said, many men, who like to say they assume this role as protector or one with understanding of the value of women, I don’t see strong enough to hold me and my qualities – trust me, I don’t like this. I am obviously not going to say that I am unlovable, but I think it may be hard. This has caused me problems. I seem to be skewed in what my desires are, as if I am searching for something that is not natural. What does this mean? It is quite possible that I meant to love a women. I find it with such ease to protect, love, admire, listen, and please such a beautiful creation. I do not find it easy to put myself front and center for someone who is quite literally unable to see me for who I am. I find I am smarter than every man I have ever encountered except maybe my father, my brother, and Jack Topper. Even them, I find I am more capable… sometimes. You know who I find I am not smarter than, women. Sure, most women I find I am smarter than, but there are a great handful who blow me away. I would do anything for them and I truly do desire to protect them. That’s it.

Quick note – my definition of smart, a word I use with very high regard, even if frequently, is most likely much different than yours. Smart is a combination of many qualities and is a determiner of success and guidance in ones life. Thank you to those women in my life, you are the most powerful influences out there. My guardian angels in life form + my kitten.

I love you!

<3