Not only are the titles getting hard, the control not to express my love and ask a million questions is getting hard too. I want to be invovled and with knowledge. I am interested and with a lot of space for just about everything in my mind and my heart.

Anyway, I wanted to address the anticlimactic post I wrote yesterday. You have to forgive me, I have just recently found a brain that needs to shutdown at some point and, it tends to actually finds its way there. The stream of thoughts in my mind may hold as many tangents as there are grains of sand in the world – on a daily basis. I guess writing about them after work may not always be successful… I get tired. So here I am to write maybe a sentence of two more on this crazy side of me that persists. I do think part of why this is hard to express is because I would like my elders to take a look at my writing and I do not want them to find anything to be uncomfortable but, at the same time, I am eager to push my freedom of expression. What do we do in this situation? Utilize our training – push boundaries.

Lets be clear on the defintion of “crazy” that I am hoping you have in your mind when thinking of the following. Mirriam states a few explanations I like: unusual, infatuated, unsound, with strong desire or excitement. I have always been boy crazy. My momma, a lady who quite frankly probably still thinks my father is the most handsome man shes laid eyes on, would always expose me to her taste on the TV. I mean we had Mad Men, True Blood, NCIS, NCIS: LA, Chicago Fire, Hawaii Five-O, etc. A night on the couch with momma was definitely one for learning the ropes of desire. When I was just six years old, a great amount of my recess time, besides playing football with the boys in my grade, was fufilling my infatuation with the high school boys in the basketball court. I mean, my crushes reached far and wide. Better than that, that six year old had extrordinary taste and she clearly knew that her direct fellows were not there yet, but she was. My husband better know how far I have come to choose one of you dogs.

Anyway, currently, i’ve felt I am an ingenius schemer. See I like the word scheme. It is both digusting and a bit gnarly. This generation has developed the digust, while its classic definition is one that is gnarly, something you work towards, that takes skill. The best part for me, is I have not been laid up with many in the past few years, I have stayed pretty consistent and with experiences that have no emotion, a way of life I have always desired. My emotions are not only on my sleeve, but they are depleted and with a massive layer of protection surrounding my whole body. Protection meaning they are kept within, still being utilized but not shared. My emotions are how I learn, and like I said previously, a fact about myself can quite easily be a fact about the world around me…

I am really not getting to the point.

This world of boys and their simple desires is remarkably fun. I love to work them up and see if they have the skills to impress me. I love to analyze all there quirks and hidden attributes that would aid me both in thought alone and in their presence. Ok, sounds a bit weird, may get weirder. I love to analyze everybody, but the few my body tells me to pay attention to before my brain understands why, those get a special thought or two. They have found my nature, that is never something to look past. I actually have not been able to stop thinking about finding myself with more stable relations that have no emotions connected to them but this is very hard. I want to love them all as they are and need nothing in return besides respect. I would provide for them and hope that their recipracation is having my six and an opportunity to experience them, talk to them, and help them grow. I want to play every role (in bed), explore every kink, and open my eyes to this human that is sharing this intimacy with me – for learning purposes. Yes, nothing about me seeks an emotional connection for I have been feeling it to be a bit of a weak need. I actually have been thinking that monogomy doesn’t make sense. I could not dream of keeping somebody from their desires or interests they want to explore. The thing is, if pure, open, and honest communication about both our wandering minds – a healthy and strong relationship, one that is balanced – does not become consistent, I would feel I have not provided enough insight on my true intentions to have the individual remain with respect for me, as they induldge in other women or experiences similiar to those we take part in. Now, this would take me also being consistent, obviously, which currently one man knows I have fallen off of doing so, a few more times than the defintion can hold. This is where part of these thoughts have come from. I do not know close to anything about this man’s life, his choices are not mine to dictate, of course, I just work with what I have grown to be comfortable with. Since there are no emotions and I know that he sees my, lets just say, to put it in one word, elegance, I know I can maintain whatever relationship has formed. He may be a special case, as he is one of the first to enlighten me on this area of relations, but I don’t need him to have my back, or the amount of respect I will place on others, whatever I mean by the word elegance, is enough.

I think I desire someone who I said, “has my six,” for I do not desire for this respect to neccesarily be hidden, like it is with the man spoken about above. Again, he is a special case because he seems to be some kind of misfit, so I’m sure it’s the right idea to not mind a stronger friendship. Friendship is what this really is, right? I want to be friends with these people, share experiences that have nothing to do with lust, sex, infatuation, but at the same time have the option and knowledge of what could await. I am full of thoughts, ideas, and appreciation, as I said – a girl needs a bit of time in space to let it all go. I will add to this at the end. So, an important point, is that the consistency falls off when the communication lacks, but I would never negatively effect this individuals life because of this, I just may push a desire of mine until I am put in my place, via verbal or physical communication.

Of course I’d love to explore my whole life but I also do think I could maintain one partner for the rest of my life, finding them to have great significance for my growth, if they can match my play. Yes, I assume there would be emotion for this person, as they would have for me, and this would make it much harder to finitely accept their interests in others, but I would have to trust this specific individual to communicate with me about thoughts that could possibly interfere with the emotions that I have given time and deliberation to, so I could either find a place for myself in a different position in their life or create distance for my own peace and understanding of the value of my time. Does this make sense? Nothing or nobody is necessary. Nor should I ever want to request someone to try and prevent their thoughts, there is always a reason for them. Sure, I could see how putting in a bit of effort would make sense but nothing to get worked up over. I know this sounds crazy, I don’t know if this is at all possible, but it’s an idea and ideas are for a reaaasoonnnn, most of the time. I think the love of my life is in Georgia right now, but I would never take his desire to mess up another broad if he wanted to, I would just hope he’d either want to share the experience physically or verbally with me. One cannot control anothers mind. Not only is it impossible, it may be the only thing worth fighting for, until the day you die. What do I mean by this? Your mind, technically, is all you got. Not a single person in the world should have enough power to destroy an idea or desire. Nothing is indestructable, so why not be open to its possibilities? This yields clarification. If ones idea or desires calls for pain onto another, their control can be lost very fast, for it took longer than you or them know for conclusive thoughts of anger to form, so I believe prevention of action can be aided by another individual, but conversation about the truth of their mind should never be forced out, for I have a feeling this can quickly bring an adverse effect, pushing them deeper into anger and lose of control, something I bet their mind may be doing somewhere in there already. There are ways of exposing an individual to a reality they may not see, whether it be that of the harm they want to inflict or that of a different reality. There mind may not ever change, they may be resistent to medications that should work too, and this may be due to hard work finding this “angry” passion, something that could have close to permanent effects…. but dialogue can always be given.

I would assume that boys have emotions too, and at a certain point, as respect and understanding grows quite strong, we would do what all those who remain married in this day and age do, commit to eachother. I do find it quite impossible to believe one could commit to me as I to them, and that is probably where all these words came from, but I am willing and able to learn how I feel about whoever the person may be, in order to make a decision for my short term or long term future, when the time comes.

Back to getting back to it at then end. You ever put it a lot of effort into a sports event you are taking part in and just feel the biggest high of your life afterwards? I mean I feel invincible. Do you know what I want almost as soon as I walk out? Sex. I want someone I can mess with or to be be messed with by one of them who got me with no effort. It is just how it goes. So this “space,” I speak of, is that of what you know as the definition of the word. Out of our atmosphere, with lack of density, yourself being the density, floating around as if all of it is taken off your back. Are you getting what I am getting at? In terms of sports, there’s a lot of lactic acid buildup, a lot of subconscious, intuitive decisions that need breaking down. What’s a better move than floating into a different form of pleasure in order to let it settle. I don’t know. I just like it, its fucking fun.