Evening.

I am going to be very honest here but I ask for your grace as I think so much that it takes time for my thoughts, although presumably heavy to you, to be concrete and worthy of any sort of action for me.

That being said, who knows if the fact that I think so… obsessively and with such an open ended conclusion, is an action that does aide a reality of… sickness.

Anyway, I tunneled vision before this last call, a call that interrupted my writing (which can mean a lot for like i said… i think a lot and my patient was a 20 year old female who tried to overdose over stress as a junior at Cornell… so my thoughts have definitely shifted).

I had tunnel visioned after observing a behavior and interpreting it on my own, without discussion with they who was behaving, which leads me to the title of this post. My interpretation was a residual impression after being brought to my present moment. Does that make sense? It’s funny because anything residual could be the beginning of the core density of something else. Anyway, in terms of the definition of residual, what allowed there to be residual information is what you would call the main idea or main function of something, or someone, right? Therefore the main function is what I see to have brought me to my present moment. The sleep I had, the hygiene I took care of, the actions taken to prepare for my work day, the communication I was apart of in order to keep the day moving. The residual are the thoughts that I am left with, that have nothing to contribute to the main functions needed for my biological rythym or my success as a EMT, someone who is spending 16 hours not as a civilian. Therefore, poor sleep, poor eating, foggy brain space, contributes to a distorted reality and leaves me thinking, is there ever true logic to reality? Both logic and reality are defined by human beings and from this definition above, there is constant human error. If you do not define it as error, which I don’t, but utilized the word for it is a general concept having to do with… this… whatever this is. If not error, these variables are just pieces of a puzzle. I think this is important because I say with confidence that they are not considered enough. Sure, mathematically we calculate residual error, which is awesome, but truly incalculable. So, how is true logic actually found? To me, it’s not. I think that humans are born to find control for there is a plethora of stimulation that would be impossible to let go without some sort of conclusion.

Lets digress

Or.. first, I will share the irrational assumptions I had made. I was thrown back into a observation I used to think I was observing all the time. The reality (:)) that nobody cares, but different. This could get into a major discussion but lets stay on the task at hand. Nobody cares about my presence. Shit, there are a few ways I can go about this but two stand out. I’ll mention them briefly. Women and men can’t actually be friends or I tend to be incomprehensible and therefore easily dismissed. This is what I find is most reasonable but note that there’s no admiration for myself in that, a lot of of questioning, frustration, and anxiety. The idea that men and women can’t be friends and how it has to do with this thought, is that I used to think I saw that most every other girl’s attention and respect was desired more than mine was but in reality the man liked the girl… I don’t know. This bled into my experience with men, for I always understood I gave too much; that I never left anything to chase. Just to add, I did not learn to remain quiet, I just grew to have so much going on, it would be their lose to think they have a full picture of a gal like me. Eh. How do I sound? I don’t even know how I sound because who can tell me that my understanding is correct. Wow. This could get tricky. Anyway, luckily, tonight, I caught myself in this negative trail of thought, and I brought myself to the realization that I have no idea that I am correct about anything that is not directly communicated to and with me. This has to be stronger and more of a natural understanding within me. I struggle immensely to figure everything out and I will die trying, but when it comes to my intimate peace when I hit my pillow, I have to have more grounding. I will elaborate a bit more on my peace, because I had another moment of clarity, coincidentally, this evening, that also helps my understanding

I think grounding begins in the home, during child development. Whether a kid grows to be a bit resistant to home stay or the natural change in nourishment as they grow, there generally tends to be a seemingly innate sense of peace due to that comfort of home. They could be developing independence, and maybe slower than I, but there is much less stress in doing so for they have a structured train of thought, even when things get tricky. This structure was provided throughout major developmental times in their life. I really never had that. What was happening during my crucial years, actually doesn’t exist much in my memory, but what remains is definitely turbulent. I have no qualms for I am proud of myself and would like to state that I do not feel or believe I am as desperate and lonely as it may sound, although there is a bit of it lingering. I grew very fast and without consciousness, to resist any time in the home or with communication about any events that finitely occurred in front of my eyes. Every single thing was just understood as the way it goes.

I was going to leave it here but as I read it over, i’m not sure my point came across.

This lack of what I find to be very important for an individual, was found, throughout time, elsewhere. It was found through observation of the world around me. This makes sense that a child would find themselves doing this, right? If I observe those who had what I lacked, without me even realizing it, I could slowly piece together how to provide the same for myself. This will never end. I will always desire to observe, for it is the closest I can get to a reality of that that seems to exist for everyone else. I am no victim and I think that is a strong word. I love my family. Even if my rebellion seemed to take me far from them, I could say that it was due to having to see them as the individuals they are very early on, making me feel as though I had to find equation with them when it was not natural. That’s okay. Everything is okay now. The only thing is this failure to ground myself with the peace I know I have developed, when my mind seems to pick up a behavior that gets caught in a maze with no guide but failure.

I love you. Every single human being. I will be the love that you do not have. You have taught me everything I know and I am forever grateful for you.

Goodnight

<3