I’m really going to try and stay on point here but it’s going to be hard.
Today is a day for reflection and its catalyst is a man who one would not call a boy but I cannot see him as anything other than such. Now, some know me to call people, “kid,” and that is for a similar reason that this man is identified as such, but up until very recent, it was hard to actually identify the difference between myself and these “kids” – most of them being men. Now, I am only going to be saying “man” and “woman” for the sake of respecting humans as i’d assume they’d want to be respected. Back to the differentiating between both myself and those I interact with, and the decision to see someone as man or boy. I’m not quite there in terms of consistency, but I am pretty close. I realize this could not make much sense. What I mean by this is I want to accept my idea of a man and allow myself to admire and desire but 99.8% of the time, I come up with strong justification for finding myself with a childlike man who makes me retreat. This is pretty big for me and that leads me to the title of this post – i’m not sure it’s “mommy issues” or “daddy issues,” I think it is just my own issue. That being said, they say when something is actually authentic, it is pretty hard to identify for they who embody the characteristic. For this reason, I struggle with my relationships of all kind. I am actually realizing more as I type and I feel I am remaining on point – FYI. So, from the top. Props to him, the first 3-4 (!) times I interacted with this man I was thoroughly surprised and I did and still do find great authenticity, but after finding my way around, it dropped greatly. This is my own super power but it is double edged, for appearance wise, the man has quite a lot that I can keep in mind for times when I drift off into space (especially after getting sober). They say importance is the key to consolidation and that sex is a classical condition, so i’d say, when I see a man of his type, my body is conditioned to remember it, even when he is long gone. This is not the first time I have been able to have vivid fantasies, but it is the first time I am able to be clear headed and with understanding of the process that is occurring in my brain. You may not see the point and it does frustrate me to have to explain such silly thought but I will continue. It seems that this classical condition of desire to what some say, “reproduce,” (although our society is far from that boundary and I am very happy about that), means a lot more to me than the cognitive abilities of the other individual, although within seconds I am with an aversion to the emotional and thoughtful connection to this man. In the moment though, I find that the attention and praise from the man is a grande reinforcement for the knowledge I possess about myself. Now this is part of the problem, of course. Others opinion should not matter, and like I said, within seconds I am in understanding of that, but I cannot get away from the desire of being what I like to call, “a good girl.” Do you have any thoughts? I have no idea what this means but I assure you, I will do my research in my short lifetime about how all these areas of the brain function. It is actually quite comical, especially this one I find myself innately responding to with such physical passion. What’s funny, is that more than 50% of me knows that we do not have sex the same way and I find that everything I am attracted to is out of his range of understanding. His communication about such fun possibilities, is basic and not stimulating which is great because it allows me to find myself with physical desire while the brain is at rest (by brain I mean my emotions). Where I have not found much consistency, although I have come a really long way, is when I begin to think that it does not feel good to be stressing over a situation with someone who I find to be on both ends of the scale – attractive, well liked, well mannered (besides the chewing with his mouth open), and a great kid, along with not present, not adaptive, without independent thought, or as intelligent as I would like – I should allow myself to distance from him, but the physical attraction does not allow me to. This attraction has me only in need of one thing and I find that I follow this desire, for the satisfaction and trail of thought feels magnificent… but wastes my time and energy. I do not need nor exactly want this man, but his physical appearance will not allow me to balance myself and I do not like it. It is one more to cross of the list of those I could see myself marrying but turned out to be a square.
The real problem is that this is all a distraction. If I cannot have intelligent conversation, see emotional maturity, and really not find any quality at this point that would drive me to want to spend time with this person, at this point, besides physical attraction, I am basically finding myself in company with a man 4 years my elder who is the bare minimum, average, societal child. Yet I desire his attention just to hear that he wants to have sex with me. This is not okay. What is the problem? Is it self esteem? I could say it is although I want to claim and do claim that he does not effect my self esteem and that I find myself competitive with myself to get what I want. If you could believe that, it’s true. Most girls are competitive with each other, or at least they act like a brat. I am only competitive with sports… and with myself in terms of what I am capable of. Don’t you want to be capable of everything? Whatever.
(Reading this out loud, I was dying laughing, I hope you find it halarious too.)
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