I guess you could say that I will be questioning the validity of my thoughts more often. Not to add stress, although it does make me angry – an emotion I am only beginning to recognize through sobriety – but to really work towards peace.

Being angry definitely arouses me, which I like, because it’s easy to focus arousal onto what I am working with – my unique (definitely not unique) desires and the blissful feeling of the possibilities I hold in my mind. Yes, yet another distraction, but I have been blessed with the ability to find intimacy in all pleasure, therefore I immensely do not want to ruin this area of my life. This means that I do not let the distraction of sex take away from the root of the emotion, as I have done with substances.

Also, I admire being angry because it makes me feel like a damn Rottweiler. High guard, ready to protect all that I love. To be territorial and understand what and why you are as such, is a beautiful aspect of life. To be able to refine a value to its core.

That being said, I am angry that I still struggle with self control. It seems I have come such a long way with my lack of control, in most areas of my life, except when a man makes me feel like i’m stuck in a tree. Totally without knowledge of how I got up there and how to come down. I think of this as analogous to deep inebriation. Waking up somewhere unknown, confused and with immediate opposing thoughts to those that got you to where you have found yourself.

Infatuation is a drug and it is important for me to work towards understanding that it masks a reality and there will be a time of clarity.

Do you know the feeling of distancing yourself from someone who you find, wether it be a figment of your imagination or not, could (if there is no evidence, there needs to be major reflection, which is why you are usually presented with the need to take action in the first place) understand you more than anyone else? That’s totally painful but reflective of a bigger… fragmented system you are working with. At this point in my life, it is most painful because I am hyper aware of where my mind and body goes – the reality of the situation, especially as an adult, who wants to bare children and would never wish this train of thought on them – but I cannot help it. Honestly, it is tremendously beautiful to be humbled by the amount of work I have to put into controlling this area of my life. Us humans love control, but there is the saying, “you’re only human,” and this saying is the antidote to my high of control. We all need contrast.

This is not the first time I am experiencing this overwhelming feeling, but it has been quite a long time. There are always a few variables that are very particular to the individual that disorients me. Interestingly enough, those that I have called my “boyfriend,” have never brought me to this painful place. Their love was always very healthy and I messed it all up, which is not hard to believe. I don’t know if it’s apparent how important that note is. How I see it, is there is a very human, innocent, sponge like quality to my admiration for others, and I rapidly fall into absorbing all the magical elements of connection, but most aren’t as focused as I, or simply have no desire to do the same. This is all okay, but I get caught up.

What is also important for me is that this has nothing to do with the individual who is stirring my little brain in my big ass head, this is a aspect of my existence, that is definitely not particular to me, and I need to spend more time with it. How can some men, strong, intelligent, handsome, have no effect on me, even when I find those basic qualities to be a wonderful consideration of affection? How can other men, those who I assume have these qualities, rip me of my all the affection I have, especially towards myself? My first thought is the fact that there is tremendous space to make believe what you want to believe, something that is very dangerous.

Maybe if I met with Freud, he would ask me to reflect on my behavior and to be introspective of my cognitive thought, so he could identify the problem.

I am Freud. Soon, I will have the answers.

<3