I’m here for a chat before bed, but the chat is always with myself. Unfortunetly I wouldn’t prefer anything else, but I could go for a man to make me feel protected. That’s what this is about. Men. Being taken care of. I’m glad I am alone, I think the steps and the program would want me here, although groups bring some sort of unity to the lonliness. I am not lonely. I am safe. I am safe with myself and I feel ever so capable. There’s no real problem but there is a damaged piece to the machine, and they say it’s never really fixed, it’s just maintained, very consciouslly, and with effort. They say to wait a year before engaging in romantic relationships, and I have understood it, but been stubborn. It is not that I have had any significant romance in almost 5 years, but I have found myself carried away in excessive pleasure when it is Not what is needed at this time. It’s like becoming sober is trying to mend a blown fuse that has no additional wiring, it only has the pieces that are left. That could possibly make no sense, but everything now has the means to fill my addiction, so I have to use what I know is healthy and maintain in good health. That’s where men come in. I have been able to drop media, amlessly using it for my own quick pleasure, not scrolling or watching memes, only at a very random times for about 2 minutes. It’s hard to explain but I gave up on it. That being said, there has been a hiccup or two, I just have accepted it and I move on. Infatuation though, is hard. Life is pretty fun, and men can be nice to look at. I find myself looking and wanting to be on dating apps to be brute and silly, but it is fufilling nothing. My emotions are far gone at this point, but the act of looking is an attempt to somehow, in some crazy way, find something special that fits right in. It has happened to me this way, and it’s been great, I am so infatuatedly comfortable with the man I share my body with, but I can’t seem to give up the necessity of having it as an option. I’m okay with it, but to bring it back to the sobriety, it very easily fills this excessive need for pleasure due to my blown fuse. I need to relearn gradual pleasure, and I have in many ways, nobody can tell me different, but in men, I need to let it go, it will either happen or it won’t and i’m having hell of a lot of fun without them, and without sex. That’s the thing, I dont physically engage much, nor text them much, I just need a glimpse and then my imagination will take me miles, and im okay with that. It just isn’t right though. Real quick, my brother has it a little worse than me. I see him consantly needing stimulation because of a short fuse. He hasn’t really given himself the time to relearn much, he is just distracted. He is a superhero though, so I know he got it.