Hello. I am here to talk to about the five stages of strength as they reflect the cycle of greif. I am not looking to identify exactly what it is I am looking for or have found strength in, but maybe it will make itself obvious.

Denial. Here lies a set of emotions that can be found tucked away, without much behavior that is obvious to the individual themselves. Let’s scratch the lack of identification for my life specifically, and actually use it as an example. Today I had a practice with a soccer team that I will be joining, and I expressed aloud the fact that I can’t help but speak aloud. This is an avoidance strategy. I did not recognize this when I was addressing the group, but once in scrimmage, I quickly recognized that I rather speak aloud than focus on how to improve my skills. This is not the first time I have done this, or recognized this tactic. I just haven’t been around a big group in a while… Now this can also be described as fearful behavior, an attempt to mediate others perspective and judgments on myself instead of caring more about my own tactic to improve. You could say this is all denial, for I want to distract the others from my mistakes, for I am in denial that they are ever so present. The denial of vulnerability, my weak spot. Now, the positive of this behavior, is that I am laying it all out there, and almost leaving crumbs for the change of and improvement of my skill and behavior. It is means for contrast. The only cavait, is that it needs to hold the greatest amount of contrast for myself, rather than thinking i’m going to get reflection from someone else on the development of my best play and behavior. Maybe we’ll come back to this. Actually, avoidance makes itself known in the denial too. There was a female trying out today, that is strong in many ways. Masters, job in finance, fit, all things that help one to fit into society. She threw me off, found her place in my mind as an object to avoid so I don’t get wrecked and feel vulnerable. Technically I should be happy there is a strong woman supposedly going to be on my team, playing with me, but instead my gaurd went way up, and I avoided with a lack of confidence rather than approach with much confidence, as I do many others. I’d say I naturally pushed this boundry, having put so much work into myself, I could not actually shrivel and avoid fully, but I do think the whole idea effected my play. This is not excuse, it is a factor in why I didn’t play my best and I want to make change to it. I need to create a boundry to find myself balanced with whoever and whatever I am approached with in soccer and in life. If I allow for more to throw me off, I will get nowhere as I am wasting time… silly.

Now, anger. I’d like to say that these nouns are wonderful for describing the natural way our body reacts when our mind has not caught up to a situation. So, anger, anxiety, frustration. After practice I was crossing paths with this woman and I said, “nice to meet you.” What she did that I am now unsure was reality, although i’m 100% sure it was but I will not look too deep into it, she is human too, and we are probably more similar than we think we are. She waited until she passed me, and said in a very monotone voice, “yeah.. nice to meet you too.” I’d say this made me pretty angry and anxious. I’d also say she knew exactly what she was doing. I’d say I was bothered because 800,000 things ran through my head, including that she is smart enough to take my weakness of talking (and probably much more, like the fact that I told her before practice that I want to make a stride at pro and my performance did not match) and hold it against me, because she has higher standards. All those that I categorize as people of her kind, systematic people, would do the same. She is by the book, textbook heavy, rather than street heavy, people heavy. I have respect for this type, they obviously hold enough weight to make me feel threatened, but they are not my kind. These are the type I went to school with for so long. People reliant on societal standards. It’s okay, here is my anger coming out, but there is always truth in anger. I wish I felt better with this person. I used to feel this way with another girl on the team because she is so good, but I had to work through these stages to allow myself indifference in approaching her on the field. See, here we are again, I need a balanced approach so I do not waste my time. I can see she is a good player, but I cannot allow it to rip me of my abilities.

Here we are at bargaining. I did bargain, all the way home. I ran through the choices I have made that make me proud of myself and that help me to identify my strengths in a weak moment. I got myself to this point, reflection in order to find meaning of such a change in emotion that I was not expecting. I can’t actually gang up on myself too much, but since I have chosen this example I have to eleborate on it more than I really am in real time. I could tell myself that if only I didn’t ruin so many years of my life in terms of finding peace and my riches, maybe i’d be like her. Maybe I would have the balance it seems people of her kind have. I tell myself that because there are those like her, I won’t get anywhere and I can focus on something else. Luckily, this is where the strength comes in. How on earth can I let another human dictate anything about me? and, putting my full effort into everything I choose to take up my time is what matters. None of these people know me, especially her. Turn that frown upside down, this is an opportunity to realize there is going to be more of these situations, and you cannot be taken by such suprise when it comes down to them.

Depression. Again, I have not taken it this far, it has only been 1.5 hours since practice. The thing is though, this transitions into being around people, especially new ones. I feel helpless to make new connections. I feel helpless that I will never be good enough to lets say, play against a girl of this stature, and to make friends with all that comes with me. Relay the steps above in this situation too, making new friends, meeting new people. I have avoided this for a while now. I have avoided the face to face with my equals, not in a work setting. In my job, I have the uniform that helps others to know that I am here to be at their level, and I love them for wherever they’re at. Outside of work, people are hostile because there is an unknown factor to other people, and it makes people run through this cycle. I don’t like this. I want to be open and free with all and to spread the love. This is good, it is taking me to the next step.

Acceptance. I have found a fast path to acceptance, by writing this and expressing myself! How wonderful. I accept that people are strong and motivated and at a different place than I am in life. This is not a threat, people will approach me however they need to based on their reality, and I have to accept it. I can only control myself. If I, which I have, come across a strong player or strong minded person, I have to remain with confidence, as I do in my job. I know we are all strong minded, and we all are equal, but the behavior people choose to put at the forefront of their interactions, can be confusing. I have to find balance of mindset, as I have with the job, with all areas of life. I will practice more, find better times to express myself, rather than in a game setting, making my fear obvious. I will love myself more, find all times to keep love and peace. I will maintain reflection of all things in life in order to better understand and better myself.

I’m not 100% sure I have run through the five stages properly, but I though it was a cool idea. There was another moment that lives in my head at this moment. I was chatting with two girls, one who lived in France, and I began asking questions as if I knew France, I guess. She said the 14th arrondismont and I thought of the flower garden I had went to, but maybe I am thinking of the 4th arrondismont? I know there is something because I have a picture of the signed for the arrondismont for a reaosn… oh well. So I asked about it. No big deal really but whatever. The other girl asked rhetorically, “do you know Paris?” and I realized that I was maybe acting a bit selfish, unintenionaly. Did I make it sound like I was flipping the conversation on me? It was not my intention. I was trying to relate. It is such a gorgeous place, it made me excited to run through my memories. I had no intention of taking away the beauty of her experience, but I will definitely check myself next time. This makes me anxious. Did I make someone feel they were not listened to or valued? At the same time, it was a breezy conversation, my intentions matter, and I was genuinely interested in her experience. See this feels a bit weird to reflect on. I am not used to this situation, of being in a social situations. I haven’t questioned my intentions in a while because I am used to the people I am around, and used to my thorough thought process. I do not need to hyper analyze another and how they are perceiving me, ever really. Sure, a more professional approach could just be to say, “that’s cool!” and allow her to continue, which I really should have done. Honestly, having just played much soccer, I can’t control myself as much as I do when my heartrate is a steady 80. I should just go home and relax until I know these girls, I could get severly retarded. I need to get used to these settings. What am I doing? Brooooo.

Bruh, the other day I had a patient on the autism spectrum and with schizophrenia, and when we got to the hospital, she started telling her mom to make sure she lets the doctors know that she’s retarded so her mom needs to stay with her. She repeated, make sure the doctors know your daughter is really retarded, mom. It was very funny. She was chatting the whole ride, but this got serious. She was great. She would not let me say I was 25, she needed me to be 42 because I look no younger than 42, she said. She was also in belief that she was 15. Yesterday was actually her birthday, she was set on going to the Promenade, which was a nice suprise to hear – we were nowhere near there in Coney Island.

I worked overtime Sunday morning. At 6:30AM we got a call for a non-critical injury with text that quoted someone in Spanish needing police. They then said they need EMS for someone stabbed all over. We were on 94th and 3rd ave in Bay Ridge, and this was on E 18th and Church Ave, about 25 minutes away. We got theere good, it was early. We approached a man with multiple lacerations and a nice large chunk of his head hanging out, squirting blood. An artery was cut and definitely not controlled. Luckily and halariously our boss buffed the job and helped us out. I spoke to the patient in Spanish, convinced him to get in the ambulance, and we went from there. Cut cut cut, any uncontrolled bleeding? No, although his fingers were not too controlled. His head was most important. Not much to do. He was in and out of consciousness while I held direct prssure on his head on way to the hospital. The cut clotted, the fingers left some pools. I don’t have energy to detail the rest but he was a fighter.