Ah, here I am already going to start off far away from the topic of choice, but how inncocent of a title, right? I do see myself as innocent sometimes, but I am crouched in the middle of my desire to be seen this way.

Anyway, I’m already without much energy to write, but is has been 10 days, and I have a lot on my mind. Most of what I come to bed with is for my eyes and mind only, but that is why this platform is a really good source of reflection; writing for the public forces me to reflect on more relatable, or broad topics.

My heart is feeling torn to the core, when it gets a chance to relax. Technically, as I have been discussing with my psychiatrist, this is not positive, for too much time to be with the imagination generally takes you to a negative place. This heartbreak is not fully complete, and that is part of the problem. I am torn with my relationship with my father, the person I truly love most forever and ever. I understand, maybe not to a Full extent, but nobody would have, for they cannot see the future… or can they? the choices I have made to better understand my life. I made choices to understand the best I could what my father needed for himself, and found myself in the blanks. This is not actually on the emotional side yet. My father gave me the strength of internal independence, and I would not give it up for anything. His nurturing, time, effort, and love that he put into my existence was felt from day one. It was easy for me to follow his lead and allow for his change, he deserves it. The emotional part is a fear I have developed of a few things, all surrounding losing him. See I benjamin buttoned this idea without knowing it. Philosophically I am set with the energy of my father, a superhero, living within me forever, he makes me feel invincible and immortal, but at this time, I physically cannot allow for his life to end without rest. I find it so hard to believe that he rests. He definitely is a heavy sleeper, but he has worked so hard, he deserves the refreshment of a good nights sleep. There is probably something innate about our connection that does not allow me to see his wife bringing him any rest, but I am estatic that he gets to raise another daughter. I know that this work is one where he is free, with confidence and undying love. I fear so much that he will get sick, or have a sudden onset of failure in his body. I fear that his dense mind will begin to soften before it is due. Objectively, he is successful. He is more successful than most that have the money to back it up. See talent and authenticity does not bring you money. Money runs on filfth. My father is on track to be an angel, eternally, as a pillar, a god, someone who represents the nitty gritty, the nature of what a human can do, and not get what soceity demands is the token of success. Okay I am running on. Lets see if there is anything else I can write about. Now that I have read that, it was actually getting better as I wrote. I have more to say, but it is hard, and I want to rest too. I want to say that these choices were not embodied immediately, as his wife would understand, someone who has not recognized a molecule of growth. I was young and without full understanding, but I think I did a good job, at least my brother might say so, he’s really All that matters. Haha. Whatever. It’s 12:37AM on August 20th. My brothers birthday is in 11 days. My parents birthdays are next month, 9 days apart, different signs. My brother and my mom are the same sign, my father is a Libra. My mom and brother are Virgos. I love my family very much. I wish them peace.

I guess something else to say, about me, is that I feel much peace. The stressor is something my father helped me recognize, the desire for the end goal, a major distraction for the process. I mean to add above, that this fear for my father, is going to translate into my soccer life. I am going to be on the USWNT, and he will witness it. His mental and physical support of me and the game have created a monster. I love you CJ!