Good evening 🙂

It’s nearing midnight and I didn’t exactly have much desire to write tonight, but there is always something to write about. I made the decision while listening to Dear Mama by Tupac on my way home from my tour in Staten Island this evening, confidently driving in the HOV lane. I admire Tupac’s ability to portray himself far out of a “victim mindset,” a perspective I have worked on for years. He gives raw context, but quickly develops his story around a bigger picture rather than harping on the effects that this context has had on him. For this, I decided it was a good night to scribe a bigger picture that’s rounding out in my life.

Whatever belief one holds about the creation and infinite function of time, I find their is rhyme and rythym. This may be a feeling of mine only to compensate for the weight of the unkown and the reality of disfunction in society, but just like the notion of the yin and yang, the disfunction brings the balance of this rhyme and reason. How I have come to this? For quite some time I was stuck trying to figure this massive gray area in my life, and I ended up fumbling all sorts of opportunities. Now, there are a few responses I have gotten about this perspective, and they all lead to one thing, the present moment. Some doctors have said that it is natural, this confusion and means of hurting myself more due to an inability to find stability, some (one), has diagnosed and heavily medicated me, and my father, the big DOC in my life, has primarily left me with my strength to figure out my own take aways. Now, this doctor that diagnosed me, had a singular excuse for the major change he made to my life, and I understand it, in more ways than one. I am going to try and stay on track here, let me see. Okay so before the major, negative, change to my life, the gray area was full of blame, self pity, ignorance, laziness, and selfishness. I used my childhood as an excuse for all of the above, and more. I slowly but surely, ran and lost my understanding of my own potential. Then, it fought back, for about 4-5 days, I actually don’t exactly remember. It fought back so hard, I transitioned from a pot head to an alcoholic. I kind of just wanted to phrase it that way, but it’s much more than that. Long story short, I had a weed induced phsychosis that followed mania, and it took me about 4-5 months, again, I actually have no idea, to boot the bud and begin a life without it. As of April 2026, it has been six years no marijuana. Now, this removal was supplimented with 1500 milligrams of Lithium and 2 milligrams of risperidol, along with a Bipolar diagnosis. I was all in, terrified and complient. It has taken me until March 2026 to realize that this was the most frightening experience of my life, not the pain I endured from my parents that I harped so heavily on. Here is the beginning of the bigger picture that hit me tonight. Well not really, that is a simple paraphrased version, what I really want to convey is that this all needed to happen and I am forever grateful for it. It’s not just escaping the victim mindset, it is the recognition of the power of adaption. I repeat, whatever, whoever you believe in, all that matters is the present moment. If you have your present moment, change is possible. Side note, the previous sentence is the exact, to the tee, belief that has landed me in a cognitive neuroscience masters program this September. I believe so strongly that change is possible, and to use my title, nothing is as it seems. The title also brings the idea of independent thought. All that you know to be true was discovered by other human beings, and they are still searching for answers, so anything is possibly, quite literally possible, okay? So March 2026, my doctor passes away and his partner, at his practice…? contacts my family to ensure I get off my medication and look into therapy for a rediagnosis, if any. Anxiety. Crippling anxiety. A bit of depression, dependent on the anxiety. Whatever, i’m straight… thanks to Zoloft (Sertraline). Okay, again, long story short, I get off the medication after about 5 years, get put on Zoloft, and here I am, Sober 10 months. When I tell you that time had the biggest sneeze of its life, or, that I was hit with the most massive defribillation in the world, I mean it. It took a few months to calm the dibilitating anxiety, and release myself of Risperidol, something I would say is more powerful than horse tranquiller, but here I am, sleeping with just .1 milligrams of a hypertension (Clonodine) medication because my body physically responds to the years of tremendous suffering at bedtime. I mean I have no real emotion behind any of this, I am the best guinea pig for phsychology man, at this point I’m thrilled to be in deep understanding of my experiences. Alcohol and mood stabilizers/anti-psychotics do not mix well, just saying. Let me wrap this up? Second, positive change is the transition off those medications, okay? From that day on, sober, remember, completely sober, besides driving like a madman sometimes after work to feel some highetened euphoria (norepinephrine – I have begun reading my neuroanatomy textbook… because I am a bit slow with the academics). I have really taken that down a notch, and I wear my seatbelt thanks to my good friend, who is simply normal and brilliant. Okay, wasting time. Im just going to say it, I feel whatever, whoever is out there, really needed to teach me a lesson, take me out of my old ways of thinking, behaving, acting, communicating, etc. It gave me a new start not because I deserved it, but probably because I am literally a small guinea pig who was running so fast on its wheel, God needed to give it another excercise, allow for a calmer, more peacful experience. I appreciate it a lot. Within that time I landed as a first responder, I picked the game back up (which was cut short my senior year due to Lithium toxicity in my blood causes metabolic changes…and other excuses)… and recently decided to live out my father and I’s dream at attempting to go pro, and I am beginning graduate school in psychology, something I was given a gift in from a young age… but why? We don’t need the answers, i’m here in my present moment now, it’s all possible. I am actually beginning school non-matriculated, because I have no resume for a masters in Psychology, I also showed up to school for the past 16 years as a cloud. Now I am the water, sun, wind, moon, and clouds, thunder, heat, frost, etc. Many assetts to utilize here. I am a changed man, as they like to say. I am still changing, of course. So are you! So is your grandma, great grandma, siblings, parents, cousins, homeless on the street, drug addicts, babies, etc. You know? We are all the same. We are all the elements and conditions that you are able to see, feel, smell, taste, touch, okay? Find the present, make the change. Even if you maintain consistency with something (thinking you are not changing), you are making the change to not let in other possibilities so you will grow and change with that consistency. I love you, okay? Goodnight.

Now I have reread that and I need to eleborate on a lot more, I guess I felt about three sentences was running on, but there is not much explanation here. Whatever, I fell into a horrible lifestyle from a young age and it bit me in the butt, luckily. It came with a heavy diagnosis of a mental disorder, one that I understand much more now, and feel confident it does not describe me, messed up my body and mind some more, in more ways than one, and then I cut it all out and became the Olivia that was stuck in a tree for so long. She is happily down on the ground, saved by the invisible essence of the creation of time. A good friend of mine. There are too many people to thank and apologize to. Once I make it, wherever that may be, I will use my voice for gratitude to those here on earth, and that that has creative the universe.

Priority list: pro is #1, followed every so slightly by paramedic at #2, and school is #3 for it is most flexible. Soccer has a time limit, secondary medic training cost way too much money, so to be paid for the training in FDNY, also has a time limit and hits high on my desires list. School will always be there, and I enjoy this study so much I will probably teach myself on my free time, who knows?

Okay, I have to get up early, a hater of mine pulled a nasty one and I have to take care of it in the morning…

Cliff hanger?