How come we are back at the beginning? I actually do not know, I think you could tell me better than I, due to having an outside perspective. Let’s begin by saying I have a lazy bone. The most consistency in my life is that of relaxation, relaxation that looks like time invested in art, since a young age. Interestingly enough, this morning I debated yet again whether god gave me natural talent in art or physical activity, and I settled on physical activity. I think this is still true, but physical activity is generally structured with others and by others, while art is easy to setup on my own. Therefore, less effort for art, more effort to get up and participate, simply put. I mean this even proves itself in the present day as I have yet to fully maintain structure in excercise, even soccer, for longer than a month. One day off creates a title wave of change and the drive transitions immediately. Art though, falls in many forms, and happens to be very emotionally driven, which I happen to be as well. Actually, obviously, physical activity comes in many forms as well, and this is how I have become more driven the past few weeks – no stress to run, just play a game! The thing is, physical exersion can demand emotional strength, and I seem to remain broken, even after all these years of change and success…

Back to the beginning, again. What had I written? Something about logic… making sense. There are two things to say, that in this day in age I would label as shallow, although if you think of the logic behind the action, curiosity about such things makes sense, at least in my eyes. First, I shared my blog post about EMS to my stations group chat, including my bosses, and not a single person said a thing, but 35 people clicked the link, whether they read it or not. That really disturbs me. What is that? It is pretty riveting. I mean I don’t think I could ever think to not say a word to anyone if they shared something they took time to do. All it takes is 10 seconds of understanding the effort and what it could possibly mean to the individual to spend their time on something, for whatever reason, and all you have to do is react, ask a question, show acknowledgement. Like most things, it is not the members to blame, but society. Whatever. The dichotomy is that, *don’t let them effect you* and *why give my energy where it is not respected?* This leads to the second thing, instagram! First, I can actually draw correlation to the fact that I have been mentally down since downloading it again. Remember I said this was going to be shallow primero. Anyway, why is this? Well in the title, social media is supposed to be a social interaction via media. If I were to assume nobody would interact with what I was going to post, there would be no reason to post anything in the first place. To see the insights that all my photos (on a public account), in less than a week, have over 1,000 views and the account has had 45,000 interactions, but an average of 3-4 likes a post, seems so drastic that there’s a glitch. I have had a thought that people are almost “scared” to interact with my account. Some men I feel don’t want their name on my page, as do the stuck up girls that I happen to know. Scared isnt the word, obviously, but there is an essence of skewed reasoning for the lack of response. An opposite example, Facebook holds a population of elder generations, and they are far from “scared” to put their reactions out there. Do I need to even ask why? Openendedly…? They are taking what they are seeing with face value and at this point I don’t even think you know what that means. Just to throw it back to the decision to share with my members, even my bosses, who are of an older generation, have fallen in this habit. What is another essense of being “scared” that I would attach to this? Lack of courage to be independent. I know one thing is for sure, nobody will ever take my drive to show my love and curiosity for the world away from me. I may take your opportunity to experience me away, for father time brings me others who listen, learn, and love, when he feels it’s time. So, my next decision with Instagram, is to see if maintaining an almost creative gallery will do, without thinking too hard that I could maintain the gallery not only on my own camera roll, but on my website, something I am very pleased with. Actually, I wonder if you see how the website is better for all my media. If I am going to sit on Instagram, a place where I can see the lurkers, not only on my own page, but on others, and see the difference in behavior towards my peers, why would I choose that over a much larger imaginative space like my website, where we both go in blind. The website has truly acted as a cloud, with no real ability to track anything, only my own history and desires of curation. It is better this way. I think, before I post my fine art up there, I am going to post media with text, to give myself an opportunity to write a story, and track that progress. It is much more open-ended, and I like that. Instagram, again, ugh, let’s take it out of the vocabulary, has developed a sense of social norm to it, which has insecurity written all over it. You could say these norms include appropriate vs innapropriate, but this is not special to media or the internet, it is universal, so no strength there. There are actual ways people conduct themselves on media to get people’s attention, and I am victim of this low self esteem. I do hope, partially, that I can maintain a nice gallery, but I will make sure I revevalute nonsensical time spent for media that by definition, holds room for others opinions, not only my own. Understand? Now that I read this over, the shallowness is actually not with me, it is with you (they). I am not shallow to anaylze a reality that I live. I used to be on edge of my deep analysis, as if I was thinking too hard, but anything taking up an uber amount of time in ones day, is having a major effect, it demands massive analyzation, it is totally not natural what media has done. So again, I think it is good I do this, I am finding the best use of my time, I wish more would drop it too, so I would have influence to be apart of it. Same with alcohol, it is so horrible. Some may say I can’t speak on these things because I have been a part of it all, but I am sober since October 3rd and I TRY to get off this phone. It is impossible to not sucumb to the nature of media if you use it, i am sorry. Goodnight! I am going to paint more now!