I have a lot to say today, and I am really looking to get it all written down.

I’d say just about everything I am thinking of all revolves around one thing. I could say that it revolves around one person, which it does, but oddly enough, they say you can’t blame others for your problems when you get to a certain age. Honestly, I am not sure why this general conclusion is made, but the most appropriate thing I can think of is that when we blame others lets say, for our whole lives, it becomes an excuse for not fighting for the change or adaption to the circumstances you were dealt. I do agree with this, and that is why I will not state my problems are due to another, even when they are. See, elaborating on this comes from the side of me that believes I understand how hard it is not to blame they who have caused your problems, because therapy or focused support on the issue, is not handed to you as easy as the original issue was. This makes it very hard to not only grow to identify the root of our mishaps on our own, but you also lack professional support like you get in education of academics… something like that.

I’m past this whining tendency, if you can believe it, I am way past it. What I am left with, is the rest of my thoughts, those that revolve around every other aspect of my life that I have developed, that all seem to be a little muddled in my head, because I am no pro at identifying the psychology of my cognition… just yet. I guess we will start there, although this is not too big of a thought, generally, but these days it comes about when I have an extraordinary day at work. I have chosen to further my academics in the study of Neuroscience. I have grown beyond interested in the science behind behavior and the change there of. I am determined to figure the science of how our behavior changes, and presents itself as a natural tendency, without trace of the previous, poor behavior. I’d say this is 100% reflective of my own ability to find change in my behavior. There was a certain point in time where I became anxious of my lack of focus in life, and I thought long and hard about where my growth was focused in, even when I was not participating in society as I was supposed to. What I was left with, was human connection. My poor choices, were reflective of a missing element of support and care that all humans need, so subconsciously, I was looking for it in my social life. My father always told me to choose two out of the three paths in life, sports, academics, and social life. It was obvious I always chose social life, although I happened to remain in soccer for quite some time. This tunnel vision into my social life, along with the natural evolution of growth in adolescence and young adults, aided me in my understanding of humans. So, as I have changed my life around, I will go into further education to understand them to their core. I don’t know if it is obvious how this all comes from the one elephant in my life, but it does. Believe me?

Next, my current job. I’d say the pain that I have felt throughout the years, has for the most part been unidentified in my head, for lack of vulnerability possibly, but also due to its beginning happening in such a critical time of child development, that I had no idea of the formation of such skewed understanding. Anyway, this job fell into my lap, I guess you could say, but subconsciously I knew what I was doing. I majorly identified the desire as a love for my city (which is true) and for the gnarly part of the job, which I have always found myself immersed in, in life, but very quickly I grew to see the power of the field work I am doing. So simply put, we are all humans, and we function the same, with very minor differences, in the big picture. I am beyond fascinated at these differences, and I would like those I come in contact with, to feel my ears, eyes, nose, and words as I interact with them. I have been forced to over analyze, listen, and learn, and I am not complaining. Not only am I learning, which is the selfish part of it all, but I am showing up as support, because it happens to be that pain is filling these individuals as it does me. I am not sure if this pain’s origin is obvious, but it all comes from the same place. Believe me.

Something I have to say is less important but none the less present, is my connection with others in my personal life, whether it be romantic or not. I am lost yet I am not. To have grown into such independence, which is a double edged sword, can be very isolating. I do not know the right answer, and it is very frustrating. It is lovely at the same time, for the very reason of time. People come and go, which takes a lot of stress off my back but at the same time, you’ll never know with full certainty who was/is the monarch butterfly. Does that make sense? Sure, this thought came about over a man, which is so sad. I really believe men need to work so hard to impress me, but they also fill a void that works really hard to break out of its shell, but works real slow at the same time. I actually enjoyed messing physically with those few I have, but I was intoxicated for it all. At my sober point in life, my sensitive, over analyzing side is so keen, I am a disaster at knowing how to handle anything. But here again, time is of the essence, and I am the only consistent item in the pair, so as long as I got my back, nobody has to matter. The issue comes when I quickly notice my change in behavior due to another that my body and mind find itself vulnerable with. This is nonsense though, I shall move on.

Another pathetic mute point is that I downloaded Instagram again, predominantly because I had some soccer content to share, but this social media platform interferes with my life as the men do. There is so much space to imagine the thoughts, reactions, and possible reward of others, that it is a world of comparing my presence and it is disgusting. The thing is, I know the right motion for social media, but I try and tell myself it is another aspect of life not to confirm too, when it is impossible to do that if you seek specific imagery. This is why finsta’s were cool, but I have too big an ego to be selective, I want you all to see. It is a waste of time, and it is beneath me yet a large battle, possibly because I am human, like you. Not that you battle, but that’s because you may not have a problem with the conformity aspect of it, and I do. Do you know what I concluded for the millionth time today? It is different than what you’re thinking although I am thinking that too. I thought… slow the fuck down. Relax. I am so overstimulated with media, so if I am going to maintain it (HARDTOMAINTAIN!!!!!), slow down. Maybe you don’t get it, but this is the same mindset it takes for sobriety and proper communication with life. Again, pathetic. Please do know that these minor issues with personal relationships and instagram, do revolve around the same problem, my lack of understanding of such qualities of myself that do not need comparison or anyone else to identify. I am continuously learning that I am with Olivia at the end of the day, so Olivia is all who matters. This means, slow down and listen to Olivia instead of feeding her to others who are not Olivia.

Here is something you may be more interested in, and it reaches farther away from these problems. Today I got a cardiac diff breather, which means the individual supposedly is having difficulty breathing, and chest pain, so it is a priority two, with the assumption that the difficulty breathing is due to a cardiac problem. A fair amount of time there doesn’t seem to be much going on from our perspective, besides a pre-existing exacerbation that doesn’t take much to make more comfortable. Anyway, this is my second call of this type within the week, and it is the second serious of the type in a week. The first happened to actually be a very sad cardiac arrest, and this one was what the medics assume was PE, pulmonary edema. Edema is an access of fluid and pulmonary is the lungs, just in case. Firefighters are sent to priority 1-3 calls, so we arrived to find them having given 15 lPM (liters per minute) of oxygen to the patient via a non-rebreather (typical face masks you see… on tv?). They stated that the patient has been unresponsive since they arrived and his neighbor called us after receiving an unusual call from the patient. The patient, who was African or Middle Eastern, and 59 years old, was what we call, cool, pale, and diaphoretic. He was cold to touch, pale, or cyanotic (lose of oxygen to the cells), and very sweaty. In terms of his alertness, we have a few measurements, and the patient was physically responsive, but not verbally responsive. His eyes were open, and with a sign of distress, but he was not responsive. The firefighters stated his blood pressure was 130 palp, which means the systolic was 130 but actually, when auscultated, his blood pressure was 230/100. This is very very high. A first thought would be a stroke but we need to rule out all other possibilities (that we can observe). Now, my learning point, identifying a respiratory issue faster. The patient was stating at 89% without the 15LPM of oxygen. Okay, this can still be from a stroke, so I need to listen to lung sounds. In the heat of the moment (not an excuse, okay?), while seeing the patient in his state, without ALS, my other vital signs hit me first. The patient was tachycardic (with a abnormally fast heart rate) at 140 and his blood sugar was 458. A heart rate should be between 60-95 and a blood sugar should be between 80-120. The only information we knew was that the patient had diabetes, so he needed insulin, and now we have the possibility that some of his presentation is from his high blood sugar. Us BLS and ALS don’t have insulin I do not think. Anyway, the lung sounds were oh so very important at this point. Luckily, my partner called for paramedics who were very close to the job. Once in the ambulance, they stated clear fluid and minimal air movement in the lungs, and the call was a clear respiratory call, although stroke was not ruled out until the patient began flailing his arms, which immediately told us there is not likely deficit on one side of the body due to blood in the brain. The medics began their call for intubation, but the patient actually became responsive, and they reconfigured their mission. We placed a CPAP device on the patient, which he was able to handle, and this maintained his airway. There was a lot of discussion as to what the cause of this edema was, but you could hear more air being pushed once the CPAP device was working well. Obviously I eventually listened… and then I listened to all my patients for the rest of the shift, as I am SUPPOSED to.

Goodnight.