43 minutes into my birthday, it feels like the night before Christmas. As a kid I can only imagine I was anticipating my presents, but as I grew, the excitment came from the change in routine. The fact that there was freedom, good food, laughing, movies you watch one day a year… etc. Although I will be alone tomorrow, maybe just the idea that there will be a time or two where I mention it is my birthday, naturally, makes it feel special. The fact that I will have an option to create an excuse for whatever I choose to do, although I am on a healthy path these days, so I won’t need an excuse, the creation of it will only be in my mind, for old times sake. Just before choosing to reflect tonight, I was researching jobs in Bordeux, France. I found a Neuroscience program that holds space for study in different countries, the first one being France, for my path. The biggest barrier, besides being selected in the 20/800 applicants, is money. I need to find a job that is sustainable there, and I need to save money for the major process that is studying and living in Europe. I would add this to my tendency to think with grandiosity, but I have different opinions on grandiosity these days. I obviously understand that it is unhealthy in certain ways, ways that I can see clearly and I have possibly exprienced, but there is a difference between grandiosity and big dreams that you understand take patience. I subtracted all the tabs though, I will attack that a different day, after I figure my life for the next six months, in graduate school, working full time, and playing soccer.

The main thought I figured was a good topic to write about tonight, is the progression of our perspective of time over the years, as we grow. With confidence I say that this year went by slow and I do think part of the reasoning is that my memory can be so bad. I find that what I remember from my past is not precision, it is a accumulative feeling or idea of life that I cannot pinpoint. Sure, I could work to remember dates, times, people, etc., but naturally it is less important than the residue of the experience as a whole. They say time gets faster as you grow, why is that? I do not want to look it up because I do not tend to do that when I write, only definitions of random words so I can use them properly. I like to brainstorm on my own. What I think the reason is, is that we grow with more responsibility and responsibility takes our time and losing time makes us less present. I believe, maybe ignorantly, that this does not have to be the case. I believe there is a way to remain present and with consciousness throughout time so it moves at ease, slowly. Time is a battle. I want time to stay slow but I am also eager to know if I will reach certain points, because i’d like to get there with both ease and speed so I have more time to experience it. This is slightly problematic and I will not reread the sentence to explain myself, I will just continue fleshing it as I remember writing it. Time bothers me because I love everyday, but based on history and a rapidly changing future (of the world), there is evidence for how time must be spent in order for certain outcomes. I like working towards this, but I want to know it will happen. This is the problem, I should not worry for many reasons. This is very hard because there are milestones one wants to hit at a certain point because science may make it harder as you age. I want money to raise children, I want to meet someone to help me raise them. I want experience and mastery, but I don’t want to miss something along the way. I want to draw, play, work, meet people, but I need money to do these things. What does this mean? You need patience and balance. What did I say yesterday? Expect, contrast adapt. This is very powerful but maybe it needs a goal because patience should be added to that too. I guess it is there in the word adapt, yes. This relieves the pressure, I will keep my eyes open to expect and not expect, I will learn of my present moment by contrasting, and I will adapt for my success.